


Without You, I'm Miserable At Best

by Destiel_Is_Canon (orphan_account)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel in the Bunker, Dean Needs to Use Actual Words, Fluff and Angst, Heart-to-Heart, List of Mistakes, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-17
Updated: 2016-07-15
Packaged: 2018-07-15 17:10:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7231354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Destiel_Is_Canon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once, Dean had been told of a world that was torn apart and ravaged by any and all things imaginable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Alex456w](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alex456w/gifts), [the_nightingale](https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_nightingale/gifts).



> It's finally here! Sorry for the wait, I was about to get the final editing and posting done but then I got a really good idea for a fic and I got carried away planning it... Oops.

It all started when Sammy was in college.

Dean shut him out, just like John, even though he knew it was wrong.

Mistake number one.

He'd shut him out and never even texted his not-so-kid brother a 'Happy birthday,' or 'Merry Christmas.'

Hell, Sam would have been happy with anything, even a half-hearted, "Hope you're having a good time in college. Enjoy being a lawyer." Even if it lacked the humorous tone, Sam would be content.

Just one text to let him know that he was still a part of the family, at least in Dean's eyes, even if he wanted to choose his own path. That's all he asked. What he didn't ask for, however, was for his brother to come and tear him from his normal, semi-happy life- which was Dean Winchester's second real mistake; the ones of his childhood were mundane and didn't matter. They were all simple things like talking back, or on one occasion, doing something he knew very well that he shouldn't: Say that their mother wouldn't have wanted this for them.

Dean drove down the lonely highway, speeding at eighty miles per hour, Sammy fast asleep in the seat beside him. Somehow, the kid- or, well, insanely tall adult- had passed out despite AC/DC blaring through Baby's speakers.

By now, the setting sun had stained the clouds two colors: orange and a cotton candy pink. It was a pretty sight, and Dean would marvel at it if he hadn't seen it a million times. It had gotten old and was as plain as an endless blue sky. Nothing spectacular about the sunset... Unless it was at a completely deserted beach. Then it was great.

Dean looks over at his brother, feeling a pang in his chest. He thought of how successful Sammy could've been, if only...

If only Dean would have just left him alone because, truth is, he didn't truly need Sam's help; he just needed his companionship like he needed air in his lungs. He missed him and didn't want to be alone. It was Dean's stupid, selfish feelings that brought Sam into all this, and he was never going to get over that guilt. 

"Hey, Sam." 

He didn't wake up. 

"Sammy."

Dean shoved his brother lightly, dark sadness melting away and fading into a dull ache that allowed the positive things to shine through. 

"Sam!" 

Sam jumped slightly, looking over at Dean with a startled expression. "We're at the motel, c'mon."

"Is that the oh-so-important thing that made you wake me up? Jerk."

Dean chucked. "Bitch."


	2. The First Thought

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, I am so sorry, I've just been so busy with the other series I'm working on and I just...

The dark has never been Dean's favorite.

Whenever the curtains close and the lights fade, his mind plays things over and over. His thoughts are impossible to escape, a feeling washing over him that is very similar to being repetitively buffetted by waves in the middle of the ocean; no one's there but you, and you're drowning in the water. 

Dean lays on his stomach, skin still glistening with traces of water from his shower, trying to keep his focus on things that aren't dark and dreary. Yesterday it was the whir of the ceiling fan above him, and the day before that it was the rain's soft pattering against the dingy motel window. Today, it's Sam's deep, even breaths; he is at peace now, enveloped in his internal light, experiencing a calm that Dean wishes he could achieve. Feeling something he wishes he deserves. He feels empty, alone, so far from the world that there's nothing left for him to feel but regret. He always feels this way at times like this, and sometimes he wishes he could be done with it all. Sammy would move on, Cas wouldn't be that affected, and he'd find peace. In the end, everything would be infinitely better. He'd accept his place in Hell because he knows he deserves it, and- "Dean?" The hunter sighs. "Damnit, Cas, I'm trying to sleep here." "I know, but you seem troubled. Would you like me to help you sleep?" "You know what? Yeah, go ahead." The last thing he felt was two warm fingers being pressed to his forehead and a deeply satisfying feeling of peace. He slept with the light that he'd been yearning for enveloping him.


End file.
